Scars are a natural part of healing. The blemishes of our imperfection that tell the story of where we have been, what we have endured, and sometimes what tried to kill us. But you want to know the worst types of scars? The mental, emotional, and spiritual scars. These are the scars that people cannot see with the natural eye which prevent them from being able to volunteer remedies of healing. These are scars that keep you up at night wondering why you’re even still alive. These are scars that require you to be vulnerable in order to heal. So here I am being vulnerable with all of you. Standing naked and confessing my imperfections in hopes that you will realize that you are not alone.
When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I literally fell apart. Now some people will say certain things about this, which is fine, but I had no idea that I was even pregnant until I was approximately 6 months along. There are a lot of factors that played into this, but I believe the biggest one was God. Walk with me…
I did not have a good pregnancy experience with my son so I was set on not having anymore kids. SET!! I don’t think I ever believed that God could see our hearts until I was in this situation. With me being so set on not having more children I had already thought of my plans. If I did get pregnant, what I would do, how much time I had to do it, and all the above. My heart was dark, and selfish, and I could not hide that from God. Have you ever convinced yourself of something in your own mind that when you’re actually faced with the reality of it you can’t see it? Your eyes are physically open, but your vision is altered. It’s like your brain has blocked out every red flag, every sign, and all evidence of the truth. That was me.
I gave birth to Brielle November 5th 2017. I had taken multiple pregnancy test which came back negative. My birthday had passed, and I was drinking. I had no prenatal care but somehow, I gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby girl. Remember I told you I had my plans. I was not having more children by any means necessary. And God knew my heart! He knew that I would make a mistake had I found out in enough time, so he concealed it from me. What was growing in my own body was concealed from me. I carried her in my back for those 6 months without complication. I hope you’re not missing what I’m saying.My own denial of what God placed inside of me literally caused me to be blinded. Because of the state of my heart, my seed had to be concealed from me. But guess what. That was only half the battle. Now I had to live with the guilt and the shame of my denial. The guilt of not caring for my seed. The trauma that I could have caused. The possibilities of “defects”. The shame of denying it when people told me. I’ve never heard “I told you” so many times in my life. But my eyes were scaled. So I’m writing this in hopes that the scales will be removed from your eyes, and that you will freely and willingly birth your seed. Whatever that is. The scars of your mental, emotional and spiritual battles are necessary to tell the story of your destiny.
There have been times when I thought I wasn’t going to make it, and nobody knew because I juggle it all well. Being a wife, mom, entrepreneur, working a full-time job, and serving in ministry is a balancing act. It’s a mental, emotional, and spiritual struggle to keep going sometimes. So, I want you to take 2 things away from this read:
Check your heart. Purify your heart so that the scales can be removed from your eyes, and you can see truth, and you can birth the greatness that was planted inside of you.
Despite all of your titles, responsibilities, and requirements you are human. Your well-being is vital for the well-being of others. Don’t become so good at juggling it all that you neglect your own mental, emotional and spiritual well-being.